you make me feel the...

A lot of the time, I’m too busy to think. Too tired, too many commitments and other things… I guess dreaming is the only free domain my mind has. The sands of time are ticking and you have 30 days. I wouldn’t pretend to know what you’re thinking, they’re just too many possibilities. On one hand, it’s possible that you really just don’t give a fuck and you have other things which you feel are much more worth your time. On the other hand, sometimes I really wonder how it is possible to turn your back on the person whom was there for you, every single fucking time.

Imagine hurting someone repeatedly; you just keep hurting that person unrepentantly but that person just keeps forgiving you and you can’t stop hurting them. It’s fucking sick, isn’t it? From a third person’s perspective I just wonder, what would make a person capable of something like that? Okay, I shall learn empathy, I’ll put myself in your shoes: there’s someone who’s been there for me every time I needed help, ever since I first met her, she helped me unconditionally and even when I fucked up, she forgave me each time.

When I was at the lowest points in my life, she was always there to try to make me feel better. Whenever I seemed I was about to do something stupid to harm myself, she’d try her best to stop me and make me feel happier or look on the bright side instead. She took care of me when I needed someone to look out for me, feeding me medicine when I was sick and comforting me whenever I cried; when I felt more hurt than I had ever felt before in my life, she was there for me. When I got myself into trouble, she did her best to help me. She made sacrifices to make me happy and never asked for anything in return…

I really don’t understand how anyone could not care about someone like that. No, I’m not asking you to care or forcing you to care, I’m just saying I genuinely don’t understand. Can one go through all those things with someone else and really not give a fuck about that other person? Maybe. I guess one would have to be practically a sociopath to not care or anything but yeah… Props to you, I’d never be able to hurt another human being that way, I’d never be able to betray someone like that and I’d never be able to break a person whom had given me everything. I just don’t have that strength (or cruelty, totally subjective) in me.

I stood by you through your worst and (you said) I brought out the best in you, I gave up everything for you, and this is what you give to me? “Disappointed” doesn’t even begin to cover it, disappointed is just too mild a word. Do you know what the saddest part is? It’s not that I never forgave you, it’s that you never forgave you, that’s why you can’t stop acting like a jackass long enough to just be a decent person whom can be happy with himself. You just selfpwn everytime. There is no list in the world long enough for me to keep track of everything I’d done for you. I’ve forgotten a lot of them, only the particularly painful ones are extra memorable.

In conclusion though, it’s one of 2 options: 1) You really don’t care 2) You care but will continue to insist to yourself that you don’t. All I can say is, don’t say I didn’t warn you. This time if you lose me, it’s forever. I’ve loved you with everything I had but when enough is enough, I can move on. You can keep pushing me if you want, you’d only be pushing me to want something better for myself. It reallyreally sucks that after all this time, you can’t even be honest with me. And I don’t expect anything, but I’d think that at the very least I’d deserve to know the truth instead of all the half-fucked lies and excuses. It’s really damn fucking sad and disappointing. I cannot even trust you anymore, and each time I see you just giving away freely to someone else; something that you seemed to have always deemed me unworthy of having. But fuck that really, if you really do think that way then I have nothing left to say.

Looking at things like this, it would really all be much easier if you didn’t care. Cause then I’d know, “it’s okay, life goes on gg.” It’s not just that I hate you and can’t forgive you, on some level, you hate you and you can’t forgive you, so you continue to insist on those horrible patterns to make me angry and to convince yourself that it’s not your fault; that I’m being unreasonable and that I hate you. Well, you can think whatever malicious thoughts you want to about me. My conscience is 100% crystal clear (: I’ve done everything I should’ve done, even more so! Replace me, push me away, go ahead if I mean so little.